Letting Go after a Betrayal

>I have two friends I’m writing this one for, both who are feeling betrayed. One is a relationship type scenario. The other a friendship. One is more recent, the other is a few years old, but some information came to light which casts a new shadow on the situation in question.

Betrayal, we’ve all felt it. It’s horrid. The acid bile rises up. The blood runs cold with anger. The Hulk strength quickens. The senses sharpen because we feel a threat.

Delicate trust betrayed, and trust is fragile to begin with.

You question everything about that person and if you knew who they were. You may even question yourself and wonder how the wool got pulled over your eyes.

But don’t. I can tell you not to, but you will and you have to. Just don’t dwell in the darkness too long. It’s not your fault for trusting someone you cared about, it’s their fault for breaking that trust.

It’s hard. But you can only ride the crazy train for a while because you can’t let it eat you-because it will, if you let it.

It hurts to know that someone you treated well and cared about didn’t hold you to the same standard you held them to. It hurts to know that you were good to them and they ultimately screwed you over despite the kindness and love you showed them. I know, I’ve been there too. It sucks. Though that’s not a consolation, the only thing you can do is to move on.

Letting go of people we love and cared about is extremely hard. It’s one of the hardest things in life I have had to learn to do. We don’t get to keep everyone we love forever. It is a season or a reason more often times than not.

When I love people, I want to keep them forever because my affection for them keeps them dear to my heart. I guess it’s human nature to want to collect and keep good people around us that make us happy.

The thing though is that people change. You change and they change. Though not necessarily always for the better. Sometimes when we change it’s no one’s fault. However it’s the actions of a that determine whether the change was for better or worse.

We all have people in our lives that sometimes change for to the detriment of a relationship. Sometimes we grow apart. Sometimes it’s not a firework like explosion but a slow burn that further divides and highlights the differences of who we are now and who we once were.

Life can be hard that way sometimes, there are so many things constantly changing that we think the only things impermeable to that change is our relationship…and sometimes we are right…but most times that’s not the case.

Growing apart from someone we hold dear is hard enough to deal with. But it’s much harder when we realize there’s a big fat serving of betrayal on the platter too.

Our affections for the people we love may hold us there because sometimes we see glimmers of the person we held dear. But sometimes our people have become too different from the people they once were or maybe it’s us. Sometimes it’s ok, and other times if a situation happens that we cannot accept, we have to realize the person we love is gone.

In situations like this we have no choice but to accept it. It’s hard to let go, but sometimes there isn’t a choice. It’s even harder if you weren’t done loving that person and weren’t ready for the clock to stop ticking on your time together.

I had to let go of someone I was very close to last year. I knew the signs were there because we no longer had fun together. I knew that we were growing apart because we no longer saw eye to eye on things that we once bonded over. I knew the fat lady was no longer singing but screaming. I’m not sure who out grew who, but the point was we were no longer growing together; our paths in life lead us to a fork in the road. But I wasn’t done loving them and I didn’t want them to never be apart of my life. That seemed so very scary. So very sad for all the good times we had together and for everything we meant to eachother and all the times we were there for one another.

For the sake of sounding trivial, I still have love for that person in my heart. I hope that they are well, happy and healthy even though we will probably never speak again. The great times that we had together live on in my head and whenever something about reminds me of them, I still laugh. I remember the lessons I learned from them and in that odd way their impact on my life is there even though we are no longer in touch. It is my way of making peace with a person and a situation I had no control with. I had to forgive them even though it was hard for myself to move on but I didn’t want the ghost of them or their actions following me around with my anger. I chose to recognize they were different now and didn’t respect me which is why the relationship was gone.

I do think when situations like this happen, we need to look at it like cleaning house. Sometimes we need to make room in our lives for the new fantastic people and relationships to come and to cherish the time we have with them when we have them.

A tip-if one could be offered, is see how people in question treat others. How important loyalty and trust is will be reflected in their relationships with other people. Are other peoples feelings irrelevant to their pursuit of happiness? Are other people disposable? Is it easy for them to lie? Are they still moral in their treatment of others from strangers to people they know well? That was my first clue in realizing my friend had changed.

If I can offer some form of consolation, I will offer you this written by my friend Tora. It helped me tremendously, because even if it’s the right thing to be doing, that fact doesn’t make it all the more easier even if it’s necessary.

April 23, 2012 6:43 pm

The Art of Walking Away

Walking away is the hardest thing I think we could ever learn. Mostly because each time we have to do it, it feels as significant and different as it can be from every time done before. Some of us walk away from love; tell ourselves “if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be”. Some of us walk away from heartbreak; can’t stand another minute of a broken heart and finally have to move on, lest we be broken forever. Some of us walk away from grief; everyone departs from earth and the living must go on and find happiness again. All necessary, none easy. But what is it that makes it so hard to let go of these things that we know are already gone? It’s common sense that you can’t hold a shadow. Granted, love and loss cast pretty big shadows but if we live under them we will be in the dark for the rest of our lives until we are shadows too. So I like to think not that I am “walking away” but “walking towards”. Every step away brings me closer to something better, something brighter. People say “your future is bright”, but that is not a forecast, it’s a goal – a mountain to climb. I’ve had to walk away from many things in my life. I remember walking away from my father’s resting place for the first time. The finality to it was overwhelming and quite heavy. I knew I probably wouldn’t return for many, many years. And it’s been almost 10 now. But it’s not because I don’t wish to be close to him. It’s the opposite, actually. I walked away from a physical place to walk towards a spiritual place. An all encompassing kind of closeness – something on a molecular level, something in my heart with me at all times. And that’s one step further up the mountain. That’s why we shouldn’t be afraid to walk away from our grief and our heartbreak and sometimes, our love – if it is preventing us from truly living. Just make sure, when you turn around, that you are walking in the right direction. As the american cartoonist, Charles M. Schulz said, “No problem is so formidable that you can’t walk away from it.” Humorous…but true.

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